AHS: Apocalypse

[Mister Obvious]

SPOILERS. HAPPENING. BELOW. DON'T READ IT IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW. HO.

Alright, bitches, it's time. After hearing everybody and their brother (literally) talk about AHS: Apocalypse... I'm watching it, and I'm reviewing it. 

All timestamps are circa.

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 1 - "The End"

First of all I wanna start off by saying, I ACTUALLY HAVE POPCORN. I legitimately acquired popcorn, just for this moment. I haven't had popcorn in a LOOONG long time.

Okay, let's begin.

I'm LOW KEY excited. Just low key.

Aaand of course, immediately, a gay Evan Peters is foisted upon us...



Immediate disapproval. 

It's funny she says she's an "Instagram Influencer" but she "refuses to show her full asscrack", so her hair has to be perfect instead...

"If I go to your Instagram and the first thing I see is your buttcheeks..."

http://www.sectual.com/thread-2865.html

I do somewhat appreciate how they're calling out all the product placement on Instagram for what it is... banal and insipid.

Oh. My. God. 

So they're all sitting in the salon and a missile alert comes over everyone's phones, the lady says "It's a hoax, like that time in Hawaii"...

"Hawaii receives false incoming missile alert"

http://www.sectual.com/thread-4865.html

A little over a minute in and so far, this is pretty damn weird, I gotta say...



This is giving me chills.

It's chilling. It is. Gotta be honest. Probably one of the best seasons ever and I will say it's a little soon to call that...

But I think it will be.

Hardcore shit, NGL!

Is that Joan fuckin' Collins!?

5 min. in. LOL... this is awesome. It really is.

OMG "THE CONTRACT" BWAHAHAHAHA HOLIEST OF FUUUUUUUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear they literally write AHS FROM MY FUCKING LIFE sometimes, WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

BWAHAHAHA people are fucking KILLING EACH OTHER EVERYWHEEEEERRRREEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Y'all...

This season is nothing short of fucking lit.

THERE'S NO CREW IN THE FUCKING PLANE OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

See, I fucking LOVE Joan Collins' rich, eccentric old lady character too because THAT'S HONEST TO GOD HOW THEY ARE. ROFL. And that's how they should be... every situation of life and death needs the rich, eccentric old lady who doesn't give a FUCKKKKK about dying.

10 mins. in. This dude who just got into UCLA is pretty fucking hot. LMAO oh no, is this gonna be another scene where a guy kills his whole family again in the face of impending doom? ROFL. Those are the worst.

Oh wooow. They're rounding up the 'special people'...



That's an interesting turn!!!

HAH OH MY FUCKING GODDDD BWHWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THEY'RE THERE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE SUBMITTED HIS DNA TO AN "ANCESTRY WEBSITE", WHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY FUCKINGGGG GODDDD THEY DID NOT JUST GO THERE, ROFLROFLROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"23andMe & Ancestry.com teaming up with social media giants to catalog userbase DNA"

http://www.sectual.com/thread-49.html

Yeah, SUBMIT YOUR DNA TO 23ANDME!!! Maybe it's "EXCEPTIONAL" and when the apocalypse comes, AGENTS WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SAVE YOU!!!

ROFLROFLROFLROFL.

See folks...

This is why I do what I do.

This is why I timestamp, link, and commentate. This is why I link topics together, this is why I keep my finger on the pulse. This is why I do it, and yes, glory does feel fucking good.

13:00 "They got your bloodtest from a doctor... ran it through a database". AHA, so just like on all my threads about the DNA databases and the ancestry testing sites, people always say, "They already have your DNA" or "They take it at birth" or "They get it at the doctor"... they're covering all the bases in this plot. Very interesting.

15:00 how the fuck did I just KNOW that was Kathy Bates even though she wasn't even moving and she was totally dressed in black?

20:00 "social media gave people the illusion they were equal"? Uhhh, no actually it's done literally the opposite. That was a retarded statement. 

The introduction into "Outpost 3" is blasé and gayer than Evan Peters' opening character so far.

23:30 they're all totally unhappy in the bunker... LOL. I totally agree with him, there's no reason to live in a bunker, it's better to just die.

"Interstellar Policeman" LOL, nice one. They always have a great soundtrack on this show.

25:00 "You don't know what disappointment is until you've slept with Yul Brynner" OH MY GOD, did they REALLY have to throw shade at anciently deceased Yul Brynner like that??? There's NO WAY he was sexually disappointing. No way. I can't believe she agreed to say that!!!

27:00 a FUCKIN' CARRIER PIDGEON OMG FUCKING LOOOOOLLLLLOOOOOLLLLL.

"They made you think the system was a rock; it was a water balloon."

33:00 Kathy Bates is the shit. She's an excellent actress.

34:00 LOL they're all eating the dead guy.

"THE STEW IS STU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

LMFAOLOLOLOLOLOL. Epic.

ROFL Joan Collins is like "I've been eating people in Hollywood since the 50s, no biggie!"

38:00 "18 months later" LMFAOROFLMFAOLOLOL, that was fucking brilliant.

40:00 ruh roh, the dark horses have come! Muwahahaha! Shit's abut to get weirder!

41:00 interesting numerology on that 'Cooperative Identification Document'.

42:00 ohhh hell yes. It's one of my favorite kinda people: the hotass dudes who play the antichrist...

http://www.sectual.com/thread-2443.html

Muwahahaha, I am a bad bad girl.

Hair's a lil too long, but he'll do.

Terrible actor too. 

But it's bunker living, it's a pinch, he's gonna have to do.

Surely they wouldn't have chosen him if he didn't have... something. Anything.

Hmmm. I like the way he knew what they were doing to his horses. Wonder what the deal with that is... did he psychically know they were killing them? Were they instructed to kill them? Like what was the deal with that? Maybe I missed something.

Nothing short of an excellent first episode.

[Guest]

Fuk you trix gimmy you popcorns

[Mister Obvious]

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 2 - "The Morning After"

Snakes? Really? What the fuck?

Dude this fucking snake thing is stupid.

This antichrist guy doesn't look or sound or move evil enough.

They better make him likable fast...

I have extreme standards as it pertains to antichrists and so far this one is shaping up to be a turd.

6:00 why did they have to clip the milliseconds of pause between the cities he named?? Is he really that fucking bad, or is that a foul up of the editors? Because that's pretty bad. And by bad I mean, not good. At all. LMAO =\

And why the fuck is his hair light colored?? Meh. I dunno about this. So far, not good. Sigh. The first true disappointment so far encountered in this season... I really hope they can save this.

8:00 oooOoooOooo the death pill! I like that! Very thoughtful of them!

10:00 he just said he would die "painfully" when in the last scene he literally showed them all the painless death pills. So that's pretty fucking stupid. Plothole or purposeful? Shrug... it's not making me actually give a fuck, which is also not a good sign.

15:00 LOL it's the gimp suit guy from Murder House.

16:00 ROFLROFL Joan Collins is like "I haven't seen anything like that since the 80s!"

So far episode 2 is really not great.

20:00 man oh man oh man... this antichrist dude just is not getting any better. SURELY TO ABSOLUTE TOTAL FUCK there was SOMEBODY BETTER to play this part. I mean fucking REALLY.

You can tell how hard it is for him to get through his fucking lines... he's literally thinking "Can I do it this time? Gotta do it this time." Jeez. Who the fuck is this dude related to in order to get this damn part despite clear lack of talent?? It just ain't right or fair.

Worst fuckin' antichrist ever.

22:00 there they go fucking cutting out MILLISECONDS of silence between his words. WHYYY the fuck would they do that?!?!?!?!? That can't be his fault, that HAS GOT TO BE an editor fuckup. He can't be THAT bad. WHY would they do that??? I'd be pissed off if I was an actor doing an okay job and they kept splicing me and making me sound like shit. I haven't noticed them doing it to anybody else.

23:00 what the fuck? Inbreeding? So they're calling out the inbred billionaires now? LOL.

24:00 sheeeit, I'd be takin' my damn clothes off!!!

32:00 I fucking love Joan Collins okay. I fucking do. She's adorable even at... however the fuck old she is.

35:00 oh shit, here comes Stevie Nicks!!!

40:00 LOL that little badass just shot Kathy Bates, ROFLROFL!!!

OMG WHAT THE FUCK SHE'S A ROBOT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?1?1?1?1?1?1?

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[Mister Obvious]

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 3 - "Forbidden Fruit"

Well, suddenly the antichrist dude seems better. Which is pretty interesting. Seems like I've had qualms with the editors before. I vaguely remember something, but I took a quick look at the past AHS season threads and couldn't find anything. I digress...

I think a lot of the "mehness" of this antichrist so far has been the fault of the editing. Which is very unfortunate, and again, if I were the actor I would be bitching about it.

I mean the fucking guy is wearing PINK EYESHADOW. Like. Why. I mean that was not necessary. They could have gone for more of a peach hue. It would have been fine.

4:00 DAAAAAAYYYYYUUUUUUMMMMMMMMM. Best part of the show yet, Mallory vs. the antichrist, LMFAO. Antichrist be like "Wuuuuh" LMFAOLOL. Reminds me of myself!

7:00 ew, now this antichrist guy kinda looks like Nicholas Cage. That's weird.

9:00 HOLY shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAAAAAMN. A MOSSAD agent!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! THE FUUUUUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Dude the fight scene between those two was LIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12:00 I meeeean. A robot. Really? Liiike. Why? I'm not digging that part of the story, I just think it's... dumb and as yet unexplained. It's just too WTF. I don't really care that much about these two chick characters.

15:00 dude notice how he shot that dude after he said he used to be a special ed teacher... looked like a statement to me!

20:00 Billie looks like Twiggy.

Mallory must be the next Supreme.

27:00 Kathy Bates kinda looks like a hot asian dude from far away. And again, the soundtrack is fire.

28:00 oh my God... an unexpected guest. Fucking wow. Eerie shit you guys... this episode is good.

This is FUUUUUCKED up dude.

Good shit. Great episode.

[Mister Obvious]

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 4 - "Could It Be... Satan?"

Bwahahahahahahaha. The satanic shrine. "Dark lord"... ROFLMAOOO. I mean, that's pretty fucking hilarious, gotta admit.

5:00 whoa wait, this antichrist guy is a warlock?? Ew, whoa. WHOA. Major downgrade. MAJOR MAJOR downgrade. Please fucking tell me he's not just a warlock. PLEASE.

9:00 see that's WAY MORE than some warlock bullshit. WAY MORE. LOL. Oh thank God. They're literally debating in this scene whether or not he's a warlock. LOL. Whew. He's totally not a warlock. Morons!

An "ALPHA" warlock!!! Shut the fuck up, nooo!!! He's the antichrist you fuckers!!! How dare you fucking belittle him this way!!!

13:00 oooOoooOooo la laaa!!! This is like some shit from The Fury!!!

http://www.sectual.com/thread-8923.html

I'm turnt as fuck! So okay, maybe they're not trying to shop him as the antichrist. Well the dude in The Fury wasn't an antichrist either, he just had telekinesis and he was super hot!!! I think I can fucking work with this!!!

I kinda feel like this is gonna make dudes start being warlocks cuz it's cool or something. Just like AHS: Coven just made a bunch of wannabe witches.

17:00 God he looks so much better with that shorter hair style, he looks just like your classic 70s B-movie antichrist now... *dreamy sigh*

29:00 "We went through every door and every window, but we couldn't escape the hotel."

31:00 "An end to female dominance" mwuahaha, so now sheeple TV is ADMITTING we have a problem!!! Hell yeah, roll out the fucking Alpha!!!

32:00 okay this is an inarguably excellent fucking scene... the antichrist dude going in to rescue Queenie from Hotel Cortez. Wow, just fucking wow.

36:00 LOL this Madison's personal hell scene is pretty righteous. They have really been doing the antichrist dude so much more justice with the editing on this and the last episode. Things have really improved. Each episode so far has been better than the last, with the exception of episode 2 which was not all that great.

There's so much more to this season than just the apocalypse, which would be such a boring story by itself.

[Mister Obvious]

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 5 - "Boy Wonder"

WTF, zombies?? Who the fuck was that dude??

Wait a fucking second... is this Langdon dude the fucking antichrist OR NOT?!!! What the hell is going ON HERE?!?!1 I just ASSUMED he was?! HE'S GOTTA BE!? RIGHT?! OMG... maybe he's not. MAYBE HE'S NOT?!?!?!?

Dude OMG... apparently some people are saying this Mallory bitch is the antichrist. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?! A GIRL can't be the anitchrist!!! Isn't there like ONE EPISODE left in the season, literally??? THERE IS. So I will have to wait to see that episode when it comes out just like everybody else... *facepalm*

19:00 so I gather that he totally is the antichrist but these witch bitches and dude witches are basically the world super powers and that's why he's infiltrating them and dealing with them.

20:00 that's just great, I believe men should be on top too!!!



25:00 they're about to bring Misty Day into this... probably my favorite of all AHS characters ever, but I better not think about it too long else I'll change my mind.

TBH with you, I think it's leagues beyond righteous that they're actually gonna pull Misty Day out of this warped hell she ended up in, I mean it just wasn't right. LMAO.

She's a fucking great character.

33:00 LOLOLOL it's Stevie fuckin' Nicks. Awwwe, she's so mystical.

Oh hell yeah, RETURN TO MURDER HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mister Obvious]

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 6 - "Return To Murder House"

Why do they have to make Emma Roberts' character smoke? It's a super bad influence for the young chicks.

1:00 "Don't worry, we'll burn some sage!" ROFLROFLROFL.

7:00 damn. Tate and Violet. This is a trip.

11:00... JESSICA, FUCKING, LAAAAANNNNNNGEEEEEE.

20:00 damn there's a lot of smoking in this show. Strange.

God bless...

Jessica Lange is the fucking goddess.

25:00 oh my God. VERIFIED fucking antichrist, YAAAAAAAAAAS.

If they try to say this dude isn't the antichrist at the very last episode, I'm gonna be so pissed.

This season is fucking excellent... I can't believe they actually managed to do something good again. Wow.

These other fuckers are such mere mortals in the light of Jessica Lange... such mere mortals.

33:00 "The Tearjerker" LMFAOOO that is fucking hilarious.

38:00 LOL what's with all the fuckin' gay people on this show?? There aren't even that many gay people in the world... it's so over-represented and totally disproportionate.

39:00 LOL this antichrist dude is fucking awesome.

Why did he suck so bad in the first few episodes?? That's so weird. I mean don't get me wrong, he still KINDA sucks. But he sucks about 70% less now, so I'm thinking it HAD to be bad editing. Man, they really need to avoid that in the future.

It causes people to think it's the actors who suck when it's really mostly the editors' faults because they CAN make even a crappy actor seem a lot better... it's just when they drop the ball and do a shoddy job that the actor appears insufficient. That type of thing shouldn't happen on a show as popular and bigtime as AHS.

41:00 YAAAAAAAAS, so they're ADMITTING he's the antichrist. Thank freakin' God. Honestly. That shit had me concerned. A "warlock"... LOL.

What a great fucking season.

[Mister Obvious]

So I’ve been thinking about it...

Sure, it’s a great season, but it’s still crap compared to any one of the classic 70s antichrist movies.

We’ve just been so used to nothing but pure garbage on TV for so long, even crap looks good.

Like...

It’s okay, bordering on good.

And when Jessica Lange is involved I’d even say it’s great.

But it’s still got too many inhibitors to really call it great for sure.

There’s still too much propaganda.

[Mister Obvious]

Born to be a mother... born to raise the monsters.

God, Jessica Lange is so iconic.

[Mister Obvious]

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 7 - "Traitor"

Adina Porter is TERRIBLE at acting evil. Terrible. I think it's kinda interesting that she and her brother are both on this show though... they look quite alike and it's very easy to tell they're related.

The scene of her on top of this chick's husband is kinda hot though.

3:00 I straight up agree with this chick... I'm white, and I'm hardcore drawn to voodoo and hoodoo.

5:00 LOL that intro though... AHS getting their hand in the retrowave cookie jar now eh?

LOL, Joan Collins is the shit.

18:00 bitch whatever, LOL, it wasn't guaranteed to work anyway, like WTF.

23:00 OMG IT'S THE THERAMMMIIIINNNNNNN, LOLOL. This chick and her fucking theramin was the reason I got a theramin. I think they're fascinating, everyone should have one.

Somehow so far this is the best episode yet. Which is just strange.

32:00 it's a FRICKEN DANG PILE OF ASHES, ARE THESE BITCHES SERIOUS???!??!!!!???!?!?!????!?!?!?!!!!!

COME ONNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41:00 this Cheyanne Jackson dude looks so good with guyliner on, it's fucking ridiculous.

[Mister Obvious]

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 8 - "Sojourn"

4:00 is this guy Nicholas Cage's illegitimate son or something?? What the fuck?? Gnomesayin'?? Like... he looks like him, he sounds like him. What's up with that??

11:00 what??? What the fuck??? Did she legit just use the Hunter Sisters' slogan???

http://www.sectual.com/thread-9198.html

And all the emphasis they put on it... that shit wasn't just a joke. That was FUCKIN' weird. I mean she said "nobody" instead of "no one"... but STILL.

18:00 THE CHIEF ACCOUNTANT AT GAWKER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!! THAT SHAAAAAADE THOOOUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

http://www.sectual.com/thread-4144.html

25:00 LMFAO is that the Google headquarters? ROFLROFL!!!

The jerkoff bot ROFLROFLROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

29:00 LMFAO wow... look at that giant jar of cocaine. They're making one hell of a statement with that, LOL, that's sad!!!

30:00 why is the antichrist actor suddenly sooo much better than he was in the first few episodes? The hair is on point, that's for sure. But otherwise, what's changed? It's not like he suddenly became a better actor, come on. It's the fucking editors, I guess they somehow ceased FUCKING UP.

33:00 dude... it's hilarious how they paint these silicon valley people to be total morons, like some shit off Dumb and Dumber. But I'm really starting to get the impression that this antichrist guy isn't even all that evil... seems like to him, all their efforts to praise the "dark lord" seem totally stupid. It's a pretty interesting character really.

34:00 "We need to make her MOSSAD." ROFLROFLROFLROFL HOLY FUCK. I gotta admit, this season is absolutely hilarious. I mean it ACTUALLY IS.

OMG KATHY BATES' FEET. HAVE WE EVER SEEN THOSE BEFORE?!

[Mister Obvious]

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 9 - "Fire and Reign"

It's interesting, they're painting the tech billionaire corps as they ones who are driving the world toward destruction.

This antichrist dude is making me pretty fucking turnt, not gonna lie. He's way less gay and a lot hotter in these later episodes!

9:00 "Satan just green lit your talk show for 13 episodes"... LMFAOLOLOL.

OH MY GOD THEY'RE USING THE NANNYBOT TO MANIPULATE THE FUCKING ANTICHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is HORRIBLE. LMFAO "The Omen: 3"... there's no such thing, right?! This guy ain't no Damien, that's for sure.

Uh oh. I think he's onto them though. Hopefully.

13:00 "The real name, IS THE ILLUMINATI," ROFLMAOOOOO THE WAY HE SAID THAT. Come on, you gotta admit, that's totally hilarious. It is.

14:00 this antichrist dude is totally hot, he's got awesome eyes... but imagine how much more they'd pop if they hadn't dyed his hair light, like what the fuck were they thinking?? They did the exact opposite to him that they usually do to the antichrist actor dudes... they usually dye their hair dark. Bleh, whatever. If you look him up, he's pretty damn hot.

15:00 "Will it be enough to kill the witches?" LMFAOOO holy shit their reactions were HILARIOUS. This is actually really sad, the antichrist character guy is totally naive. It's really strange. This season is badass and just like everybody else, I'm wondering just how the hell they are gonna wrap this up in one remaining episode.

18:00 LOL this Mallory witch bitch is so put upon... I feel like they ask way too much out of her.

25:00 they want her to go back in time and rescue... Anastasia Romanov??? Thaaa fuck?? That's random. Is it a nod to the Rolling Stones/Sympathy For The Devil? Probably is. I wouldn't put it past them to write this plot just so they could use a specific song. I really wouldn't. Let's see if they do. I bet that's their plan.

35:00 the way everyone in the room (the "illuminati") is dressed is very interesting... they're all wearing mirror masks. They're essentially portrayed as a borg.

It'll be interesting to see how this season ends.

[Mister Obvious]

Evan Peters looks like a black eyed children:

http://www.gstatic.com/tv/thumb/persons/..._v9_ba.jpg

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black-eyed_children

[Mister Obvious]

AHS - Season 8 - Episode 10 - "Apocalypse Then"

Here it is, the season finale! I've heard there were mostly unanswered questions, which is pretty lame. Let's see.

Frances Conroy is the shit.

This bitch making fun of her hair is one to talk though... their hair is literally the exact same color, so that's kinda dumb.

So far the first few minutes have felt pretty cheap, not gonna lie.

10:00 MORE gratuitous smoking out of Emma Roberts, like WHYYY.

They sure do give these witch bitches a lot of screentime. This season is like Coven 2. Not that I'm complaining, I liked Coven a lot. But if you didn't like it, this season might be kinda crap to you.

To be honest with you...

There are a ton of repeat scenes in this episode. That makes it seem even cheaper.

It's too early to tell whether they can pull it off or not... they'd have to make it really good.

It feels like the first few episodes and this last episode were written by an entirely different set of people.

19:00 ooo SHIT, it's Angela Bassett!!! Owwwwneeeedddd.

21:00 "Sorry about your little toy, bitch." LMFAO. This shooting scene is dumb as shit.

22:00 ah shit, didn't see that one comin'!!! Nice twist!!!

I don't know why they want this antichrist dude dead... why can't they just keep him captive and use him for sex?? Give him a nice haircut, he'd be right as rain.

I mean I really don't see how they're gonna defeat this antichrist dude. And I really don't think they should... he's more likable than any of them are.

27:00 oooh, I think she's gonna let the antichrist dude kill her, that's pretty hot!!!



30:00 GOD Jessica Lange is the shit. I can't even. She's honestly... fucking everything.

33:00 daaaaaamn dude. Whooooa.

I meeeean. That was... actually pretty damn good.

That ending though...

10 stars.

[Master Oblivious]

One of, well probably the 2nd favorite season of AHS. Some HIGHLY weird shit after the whole bunker thing was over. That was, meh, but still intrigued me to continue watching.

Jessica Lange? MARRY HER YESTERDAY! She is VERY good looking.

How about those tech nerds? WEIRD fucking SHIT man!

10 stars for sure. The anti-Christ dude was way to "insecure" but maybe it was done purposeful but I wouldn't have written him in like that. He would have been humble, quiet, effective
and not so flamboyant with powers.

Probably would have written him in as his antithesis persona and made everyone love him, lol. Of course he'd have "plans within plans" for humanity...

[Mister Obvious]

Jessica. Fucking. Lange.

That's who I wanna be when I grow up.

[Mister Obvious]

Sweet God in heaven.