This is one of the ladies I want to be when I grow up...

[Mister Obvious]

Retin-A is shitty garbage. An organic solvent that burns and melts your skin
till it's nice and soft with the oil chemically cooked on it. You can tell from the
red chemical burn left over after using it. 

This is essentially true... it basically chemically burns your skin into smoothness.

Can't be good for you. I've heard of people having some terrible reactions to it and it ruining their skin, which was previously fine.

Sounds way too serious to fuck around with unless you already have bad skin and nothing to lose. After all, it's medication for serious acne problems.

Wash your face daily with soap and water, moisturize that ash. Dove is good.
Zest for the bath and shower.

Dove "beauty bar" is the best. Not advisable to use soap on the face daily though... unless you wear makeup or something.