11-23-2020, 02:34 AM
Jason walks into the kitchen to find his mother standing at the counter.
The sixty-year old leans her face all the way down and whips it to the right as her son
watches on curiously from the doorway.
Mom: "Holy Jesus fuck me with a step ladder!!"
Jason: *walks all the way in* "What the Hell??"
Mom: "Aww good morning sweetie! How are you?" *white powder caked on nose*
Jason: "I thought you were crying when you put your head down!"
Mom: "Oh honey, I've got nothing but tears of joy for this SWEET COLOMBIAN FLAKE!!"
Jason: "Jeezus, MOTHER, can you pull that back a bit?"
Mom: *reaches for champagne glass, knocks it back* "Aaarrggh, breakfast of champions!"
Jason: "AND you're drinking! Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself!"
Mom: "Darling if squeezing nine pounds of you out my honey hole didn't kill me, then I'M INVINCIBLE!!"
Jason: "Oh God, please don't ever say that again!!"
Mom: "What?"
Jason: "ANY OF IT!!" *shakes head*
Mom: "You were always so tense! Why not hit what momma has for you off this cutting board?"
Jason: "Wonderful, you're pounding rails AND booze at 9:57!"
Mom: "What can I say, I'm a night owl!"
Jason: "AM!"
Mom: "Eeeh, time's just a construct. Wooo! This South American sugar is kickin' the old girl in the clit!"
Jason: "Aaarrggh, God!! STOP! Just don't say anything else!"
Mom: "Jay-jay, that's no way to speak to your mother..."
Jason: "Well my God, look at you! You're like a one-woman frat party! Why are you doing this??"
Mom: "Oh I'm sorry, we haven't met. My name is Helen Behringer and I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!"
Jason: "OK, I'm calling dad..."
Mom: "Don't you DARE call that spineless cunt on ME!"
Jason: *dumbfounded*
Mom: *goes in for another whup*
Jason: "MOM!! STOP! This needs to stop right NOW!!"
Mom: *wipes cutting board clean with finger, sucks finger dry*
Jason: "Is this a mental thing? Are you having a breakdown? Seriously, cuz I'm scared!"
Mom: "Thank your father for that one sonny. Didn't get that pussy gene from me!"
Jason: "OK, backtracking... how long have you been doing coke??"
Mom: "Not as long as I've been giving blowjobs, which is also none of your goddamn business."
Jason: *sticks fingers in ears, runs towards door* "OH GOD NOOO!!! STOP TALKING!! JUST STOP TALKING!!"
It is at this moment that Jason realizes his mother has lost her friggin mind.
This was a talk that should've been had months ago, but you know how family gets...
Jason: "OK, I'm taking my fingers out of my ears now, please, just don't say anything, OK??"
Mom: *stands at the counter, staring at her son*
Jason: *removes fingers* "Alright, now I'm just gonna ask you a few questions, OK?"
Mom: *gives him the yeah whatever face*
Jason: "I need to know, how long this has been going on... can you tell me that?"
Mom: "I'm allowed to speak now?"
Jason: "In a limited capacity, yes. You may."
Mom: "What is it you'd like to know?"
Jason: "How long have you been using cocaine?"
Mom: "I'm sorry, can you remind me who the parent is here?"
Jason: "Mother, I'm only - "
Mom: "Only being the world's biggest douche, gaaah. Haven't I earned the right to let my hair down YET??"
Jason: "This isn't letting your hair down! This is a prequel to an ambulance ride!"
Mom: *looks out the window*
Jason: "A month?"
Mom: *silence*
Jason: "Three?"
Mom: *still nothing*
Jason: "Jeezus mom, SIX???"
Mom: "Maybe seven, I can't remember..."
Jason: "Seven months you've been a coke head. Can I even ask why?"
And now she actually starts crying.
Mom: *wipes tears*
Jason: "Was it the divorce?"
Mom: *quietly* "Yes..."
Jason: "God, mom... didn't you know you could talk to me? Or Cathy? Jeez, we're your children!"
Mom: *walks to the fridge, pulls out another bottle of bubbly*
Jason: "Hey is that really necessary?"
Mom: "What do you want from me?"
Jason: "Uh, well for starters I'd like you to stop trying to OD on everything in the house!"
Mom: *pours another glass* "It's not what you think..."
Jason: "What's not what I think?"
Mom: "Your father..."
Jason: "Meaning?"
Mom: "It's not because he left, it's because he took so goddamn long doing it!"
Jason: "Sooo, you wanted him to leave you?"
Mom: "Of course! He was such an insufferable man! Always with his precious time tables! Can't be late for this, can't be late for that! On time, shiny shoes, Mr. Fucking Kiss Ass!!"
Jason: "Shit..."
Mom: "Yeah shit! He should've been out that door fifteen fucking years ago!"
Jason: "I had no idea your problems went that far back."
Mom: "There's a LOT you don't know..."
Jason: "So what's next?"
Mom: "What do you mean, what's next?"
Jason: "Well you can't possibly keep this up, I mean your sixty!"
Mom: "Oh, don't I know it! With saggy boobs, a blown out vag and two grown kids that don't know
their ass from a hole in the ground!! What else ya got, Dr. Phil??"
Jason: "Urgh, God, mom, please..."
Mom: "Why don't you just go? I'll be fine. Just go..."
Jason: "I don't feel good about leaving you here alone."
Mom: "What, like there aren't coke dealers and liquor stores out there?" *looks towards window*
Jason: "How's about I call aunt Heather?"
Mom: "What is she gonna do, knit me sweater and tell me I need Jesus??"
Jason: "She's your sister. She loves you. You can talk to her."
Mom: "Well, the only kind of talking I need to do is to this glass." *turns champagne up*
Helen Behringer has hit a wall. Coke-fueled boozery and man-anger have taken her to her limits.
Surely there's a win somewhere in there for her. She might just have to dig a little to find it.
The sixty-year old leans her face all the way down and whips it to the right as her son
watches on curiously from the doorway.
Mom: "Holy Jesus fuck me with a step ladder!!"
Jason: *walks all the way in* "What the Hell??"
Mom: "Aww good morning sweetie! How are you?" *white powder caked on nose*
Jason: "I thought you were crying when you put your head down!"
Mom: "Oh honey, I've got nothing but tears of joy for this SWEET COLOMBIAN FLAKE!!"
Jason: "Jeezus, MOTHER, can you pull that back a bit?"
Mom: *reaches for champagne glass, knocks it back* "Aaarrggh, breakfast of champions!"
Jason: "AND you're drinking! Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself!"
Mom: "Darling if squeezing nine pounds of you out my honey hole didn't kill me, then I'M INVINCIBLE!!"
Jason: "Oh God, please don't ever say that again!!"
Mom: "What?"
Jason: "ANY OF IT!!" *shakes head*
Mom: "You were always so tense! Why not hit what momma has for you off this cutting board?"
Jason: "Wonderful, you're pounding rails AND booze at 9:57!"
Mom: "What can I say, I'm a night owl!"
Jason: "AM!"
Mom: "Eeeh, time's just a construct. Wooo! This South American sugar is kickin' the old girl in the clit!"
Jason: "Aaarrggh, God!! STOP! Just don't say anything else!"
Mom: "Jay-jay, that's no way to speak to your mother..."
Jason: "Well my God, look at you! You're like a one-woman frat party! Why are you doing this??"
Mom: "Oh I'm sorry, we haven't met. My name is Helen Behringer and I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!"
Jason: "OK, I'm calling dad..."
Mom: "Don't you DARE call that spineless cunt on ME!"
Jason: *dumbfounded*
Mom: *goes in for another whup*
Jason: "MOM!! STOP! This needs to stop right NOW!!"
Mom: *wipes cutting board clean with finger, sucks finger dry*
Jason: "Is this a mental thing? Are you having a breakdown? Seriously, cuz I'm scared!"
Mom: "Thank your father for that one sonny. Didn't get that pussy gene from me!"
Jason: "OK, backtracking... how long have you been doing coke??"
Mom: "Not as long as I've been giving blowjobs, which is also none of your goddamn business."
Jason: *sticks fingers in ears, runs towards door* "OH GOD NOOO!!! STOP TALKING!! JUST STOP TALKING!!"
It is at this moment that Jason realizes his mother has lost her friggin mind.
This was a talk that should've been had months ago, but you know how family gets...
Jason: "OK, I'm taking my fingers out of my ears now, please, just don't say anything, OK??"
Mom: *stands at the counter, staring at her son*
Jason: *removes fingers* "Alright, now I'm just gonna ask you a few questions, OK?"
Mom: *gives him the yeah whatever face*
Jason: "I need to know, how long this has been going on... can you tell me that?"
Mom: "I'm allowed to speak now?"
Jason: "In a limited capacity, yes. You may."
Mom: "What is it you'd like to know?"
Jason: "How long have you been using cocaine?"
Mom: "I'm sorry, can you remind me who the parent is here?"
Jason: "Mother, I'm only - "
Mom: "Only being the world's biggest douche, gaaah. Haven't I earned the right to let my hair down YET??"
Jason: "This isn't letting your hair down! This is a prequel to an ambulance ride!"
Mom: *looks out the window*
Jason: "A month?"
Mom: *silence*
Jason: "Three?"
Mom: *still nothing*
Jason: "Jeezus mom, SIX???"
Mom: "Maybe seven, I can't remember..."
Jason: "Seven months you've been a coke head. Can I even ask why?"
And now she actually starts crying.
Mom: *wipes tears*
Jason: "Was it the divorce?"
Mom: *quietly* "Yes..."
Jason: "God, mom... didn't you know you could talk to me? Or Cathy? Jeez, we're your children!"
Mom: *walks to the fridge, pulls out another bottle of bubbly*
Jason: "Hey is that really necessary?"
Mom: "What do you want from me?"
Jason: "Uh, well for starters I'd like you to stop trying to OD on everything in the house!"
Mom: *pours another glass* "It's not what you think..."
Jason: "What's not what I think?"
Mom: "Your father..."
Jason: "Meaning?"
Mom: "It's not because he left, it's because he took so goddamn long doing it!"
Jason: "Sooo, you wanted him to leave you?"
Mom: "Of course! He was such an insufferable man! Always with his precious time tables! Can't be late for this, can't be late for that! On time, shiny shoes, Mr. Fucking Kiss Ass!!"
Jason: "Shit..."
Mom: "Yeah shit! He should've been out that door fifteen fucking years ago!"
Jason: "I had no idea your problems went that far back."
Mom: "There's a LOT you don't know..."
Jason: "So what's next?"
Mom: "What do you mean, what's next?"
Jason: "Well you can't possibly keep this up, I mean your sixty!"
Mom: "Oh, don't I know it! With saggy boobs, a blown out vag and two grown kids that don't know
their ass from a hole in the ground!! What else ya got, Dr. Phil??"
Jason: "Urgh, God, mom, please..."
Mom: "Why don't you just go? I'll be fine. Just go..."
Jason: "I don't feel good about leaving you here alone."
Mom: "What, like there aren't coke dealers and liquor stores out there?" *looks towards window*
Jason: "How's about I call aunt Heather?"
Mom: "What is she gonna do, knit me sweater and tell me I need Jesus??"
Jason: "She's your sister. She loves you. You can talk to her."
Mom: "Well, the only kind of talking I need to do is to this glass." *turns champagne up*
Helen Behringer has hit a wall. Coke-fueled boozery and man-anger have taken her to her limits.
Surely there's a win somewhere in there for her. She might just have to dig a little to find it.
