11-27-2020, 08:41 AM
We know him, we love him. Carlo from the News Stand. The fuck is he doin?? lol
*in Tim & Eric's glitched out sketchy style of infomercials*
Aaay, were you a high school loser? Never made it wit da ladies? Well lemme tell ya somethin' you
may have missed! You can have any woman fall at your feet like a Roman god in just tree days!
Dat's right, tree days! When you come to my brand new weekend seminar ova at da Knights of Columbus
Bingo Hall. Da one on Capra Avenue across from Benzetti's Neopolitan Deli. Shout out to Gio! Aaay, I'm
coming by dare tomorrow for those replacement sandwiches you promised. We don't pay for hair at my house!
*whispers from off-camera*
Yeah, I'm gettin ta dat. Keep ya pants on!
I can put you in the loving arms of a beautiful woman who finds you more attractive than Richard Gere
from 1983! Guaranteed! How? My Five Easy Steps to Conquering the Female Species.
Step 1: Know ya limits. If you look like Fred Flintstone don't set ya sights on Angelina Jolie. Ya gotta be
realistic! I'm not sayin' go afta Rosie O'Donnell but you may need to wiggle on down to a more humble
Joy Behar.
*more off-camera whispers*
Yeah, I know who dat is. I can't stand da bitch either but it's just an example. Calm down.
Got me sidetracked here. Where was I? Oh yeah, setting realistic goals. Now, when Cupid's Love arrow
strikes, you gotta be ready to pounce while the deer is still dazed. Don't let precious time get away from
you because you forgot to pick up Aunt Beppy's fluid pills from the pharmacy. Rookie mistake! Get ya errands
done before you go lookin' for love!
Step 2: Be the man ya father woulda wanted you ta be. That's right, no fuck boys need apply! If you can't
handle commitment and giving ya heart & love to just one special lady, then go back to jerkin' off in the
restroom at the bowling alley during ya night shift. Most women are fond of children, but they don't want
to date one!
This is very important. I'm lookin' at you, Ant'ny! I love ya kid but you gotta holsta dat thing. It's all fun
and games until ya got tree or four baby-mama's holding ya little fat, hungry mistakes. They're not puppies,
you can't just take 'em out to the country and throw a bone into a vacant field and drive away. There's laws
now. Don't be that dead-beat prick, Ant'ny! Ya Uncle would never forgive you!
Step 3: Never back down from a sexual challenge. In a loving, consensual relationship both partners
should feel comfortable enough with one anudda dat they can open up and explore their deepest erotic
desires wit-out feeling awkward or too demanding.
Guys, lemme tell ya now, you're gonna hafta do betta when seein' ta her needs. Most women won't tell you
but they go unfulfilled most of the time. Just because you're able to blast jelly onto her chest and tummy
don't mean she's hit the high note for da night! You gotta get down into dat foxhole and root it out like
a soldier! Yeah it's gonna get ugly, but that's the job! Love it or leave it! If you can't open her fire hydrant
then you got no business ridin' the big red truck! Learn how to sing opera into that thing and she'll sit
front row every night! Lookin' at you Rocco! *points a finger*
Now if your special lady wants to attempt the spicier things, don't say no until you try 'em first. Those who
Slay Togedda, Stay Togedda! Rememba dat! Now, if she's tryin' to put things into ya no-go zone, aaay, I dunno
what ta tell ya. How'd ya get mixed up wit dis crazy bitch anyhow? That's on you my friend, not me! It's a party
until you gotta explain how something that big got inside you to da ER proctologist. Pick ya partners wisely!
*more whispers from off-camera*
OK, they're saying we're outta time. Buncha miserly fucks. Oh well, you get the idea.
I hope dis has been helpful ta you and that you can make it down to da Knights of Columbus Bingo
Hall dis Friday tru Sunday for my Five Easy Steps seminar. You will never be wit-out love in ya life again!
*and CUT*
Aaay, Rocco, how'd I do?
Rocco: *snoring*
; )
*in Tim & Eric's glitched out sketchy style of infomercials*
Aaay, were you a high school loser? Never made it wit da ladies? Well lemme tell ya somethin' you
may have missed! You can have any woman fall at your feet like a Roman god in just tree days!
Dat's right, tree days! When you come to my brand new weekend seminar ova at da Knights of Columbus
Bingo Hall. Da one on Capra Avenue across from Benzetti's Neopolitan Deli. Shout out to Gio! Aaay, I'm
coming by dare tomorrow for those replacement sandwiches you promised. We don't pay for hair at my house!
*whispers from off-camera*
Yeah, I'm gettin ta dat. Keep ya pants on!
I can put you in the loving arms of a beautiful woman who finds you more attractive than Richard Gere
from 1983! Guaranteed! How? My Five Easy Steps to Conquering the Female Species.
Step 1: Know ya limits. If you look like Fred Flintstone don't set ya sights on Angelina Jolie. Ya gotta be
realistic! I'm not sayin' go afta Rosie O'Donnell but you may need to wiggle on down to a more humble
Joy Behar.
*more off-camera whispers*
Yeah, I know who dat is. I can't stand da bitch either but it's just an example. Calm down.
Got me sidetracked here. Where was I? Oh yeah, setting realistic goals. Now, when Cupid's Love arrow
strikes, you gotta be ready to pounce while the deer is still dazed. Don't let precious time get away from
you because you forgot to pick up Aunt Beppy's fluid pills from the pharmacy. Rookie mistake! Get ya errands
done before you go lookin' for love!
Step 2: Be the man ya father woulda wanted you ta be. That's right, no fuck boys need apply! If you can't
handle commitment and giving ya heart & love to just one special lady, then go back to jerkin' off in the
restroom at the bowling alley during ya night shift. Most women are fond of children, but they don't want
to date one!
This is very important. I'm lookin' at you, Ant'ny! I love ya kid but you gotta holsta dat thing. It's all fun
and games until ya got tree or four baby-mama's holding ya little fat, hungry mistakes. They're not puppies,
you can't just take 'em out to the country and throw a bone into a vacant field and drive away. There's laws
now. Don't be that dead-beat prick, Ant'ny! Ya Uncle would never forgive you!
Step 3: Never back down from a sexual challenge. In a loving, consensual relationship both partners
should feel comfortable enough with one anudda dat they can open up and explore their deepest erotic
desires wit-out feeling awkward or too demanding.
Guys, lemme tell ya now, you're gonna hafta do betta when seein' ta her needs. Most women won't tell you
but they go unfulfilled most of the time. Just because you're able to blast jelly onto her chest and tummy
don't mean she's hit the high note for da night! You gotta get down into dat foxhole and root it out like
a soldier! Yeah it's gonna get ugly, but that's the job! Love it or leave it! If you can't open her fire hydrant
then you got no business ridin' the big red truck! Learn how to sing opera into that thing and she'll sit
front row every night! Lookin' at you Rocco! *points a finger*
Now if your special lady wants to attempt the spicier things, don't say no until you try 'em first. Those who
Slay Togedda, Stay Togedda! Rememba dat! Now, if she's tryin' to put things into ya no-go zone, aaay, I dunno
what ta tell ya. How'd ya get mixed up wit dis crazy bitch anyhow? That's on you my friend, not me! It's a party
until you gotta explain how something that big got inside you to da ER proctologist. Pick ya partners wisely!
*more whispers from off-camera*
OK, they're saying we're outta time. Buncha miserly fucks. Oh well, you get the idea.
I hope dis has been helpful ta you and that you can make it down to da Knights of Columbus Bingo
Hall dis Friday tru Sunday for my Five Easy Steps seminar. You will never be wit-out love in ya life again!
*and CUT*
Aaay, Rocco, how'd I do?
Rocco: *snoring*
; )
