Scenes, skits and silly musings

[somethingelseishere]

Alright, I got curious. I was just wondering how Dr. Rocco went about asking Carlo
onto his show. Did he text message him? Phone call? Send one of his flunkies?

I think we all know how it went down... lol


Rocco approaches the news stand. He waits while Carlo finishes up with a customer.

Carlo: Hey Rocky...
Rocco: Aaay Carlo, how you doin?
Carlo: Gettin' there. You need a paper? 
Rocco: Nah, I need a favor.
Carlo: What kinda favor?
Rocco: You know I got that cable access show, right?
Carlo: Yeah, I seen it once. It's good.
Rocco: Well, I need someone to come on and talk about...
Carlo: Yeah? 
Rocco: Going down there, on the ladies?
Carlo: You want me to come on your show to talk about slurping Velvet Valley?
Rocco: Aww Jeez Carlo, you gotta say it like that?
Carlo: What? What's the matta wit dat?
Rocco: Look, I just need you to answer a viewer email question. Nothin' fancy.

Rocco sees Carlo's cane leaning against his chair.

Rocco: *nods towards cane* You alright?
Carlo: You broke my knee, Rocky.
Rocco: Really? It was that bad?
Carlo: I had to have two surgeries. 
Rocco: At least your walkin' again. And so soon! That's gotta be good, right?
Carlo: We're second cousins Rock.
Rocco: Eeeh, I think there's a twice removed in deh somewhere.
Carlo: We knew each other from kindergarten. 
Rocco: Hey, you were fuckin' up at the track. I gave you a chance, you didn't take my advice!
Carlo: You're my kid's godfather Rock.
Rocco: So it's my fault your gambling is out of control??
Carlo: It was $300. You broke my knee in two places for $300.
Rocco: *reaches into pocket* OK, here, lemme make it up to ya. *peels off five hundos*
Carlo: What about my heart, Rock?
Rocco: Oh I gave you a heart attack now? What's that, another grand?
Carlo: No, I'm talkin' about you broke my heart. We're family. And you busted my knee over cocksuckin' money.

Rocco looks at his friend [family member, lol] and sees the sadness draped over his face.

Rocco: OK, lemme think... alright, first... I'm very sorry for what I did to you. It was wrong and I should've
been a little more understanding. 
Carlo: I'm gonna need this cane for the rest of my life now.
Rocco: Well you're a fat fuck, so you was probly gonna need that eventually anyway.
Carlo: You think this is funny?
Rocco: Nooo, come on! I'm just... Hey, you owe anything on this piece of shit? *looks around at news stand*
Carlo: No, paid off a long time ago.
Rocco: What about ya house? You owe anything on that?
Carlo: I don't knooow. Genie handles all da bills. 
Rocco: OK, we'll work somethin' out. I'm sure we can come to a respectful agreement.
Carlo: Maybe just don't break my legs anymore...
Rocco: *laughs* OK, I guess we can start there.
Carlo: So, you want a paper?
Rocco: No, thanks. You gonna do my show?
Carlo: Yeah, sure. Sit and talk about eatin' pussy? I could do it all day.
Rocco: What, talkin' or eatin'?
Carlo: Both!

They laugh and Rocco shakes Carlo's hand firmly and walks back to his car.


Awwww, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now!

[somethingelseishere]

Jason walks into the kitchen to find his mother standing at the counter. 
The sixty-year old leans her face all the way down and whips it to the right as her son
watches on curiously from the doorway.

Mom: "Holy Jesus fuck me with a step ladder!!"
Jason: *walks all the way in* "What the Hell??"
Mom: "Aww good morning sweetie! How are you?" *white powder caked on nose*
Jason: "I thought you were crying when you put your head down!"
Mom: "Oh honey, I've got nothing but tears of joy for this SWEET COLOMBIAN FLAKE!!"
Jason: "Jeezus, MOTHER, can you pull that back a bit?"
Mom: *reaches for champagne glass, knocks it back* "Aaarrggh, breakfast of champions!"
Jason: "AND you're drinking! Seriously, are you trying to kill yourself!" 
Mom: "Darling if squeezing nine pounds of you out my honey hole didn't kill me, then I'M INVINCIBLE!!"
Jason: "Oh God, please don't ever say that again!!"
Mom: "What?"
Jason: "ANY OF IT!!" *shakes head*
Mom: "You were always so tense! Why not hit what momma has for you off this cutting board?"
Jason: "Wonderful, you're pounding rails AND booze at 9:57!"
Mom: "What can I say, I'm a night owl!"
Jason: "AM!"
Mom: "Eeeh, time's just a construct. Wooo! This South American sugar is kickin' the old girl in the clit!"
Jason: "Aaarrggh, God!! STOP! Just don't say anything else!"
Mom: "Jay-jay, that's no way to speak to your mother..."
Jason: "Well my God, look at you! You're like a one-woman frat party! Why are you doing this??"
Mom: "Oh I'm sorry, we haven't met. My name is Helen Behringer and I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!"
Jason: "OK, I'm calling dad..."
Mom: "Don't you DARE call that spineless cunt on ME!"
Jason: *dumbfounded*
Mom: *goes in for another whup*
Jason: "MOM!! STOP! This needs to stop right NOW!!"
Mom: *wipes cutting board clean with finger, sucks finger dry*
Jason: "Is this a mental thing? Are you having a breakdown? Seriously, cuz I'm scared!"
Mom: "Thank your father for that one sonny. Didn't get that pussy gene from me!"
Jason: "OK, backtracking... how long have you been doing coke??"
Mom: "Not as long as I've been giving blowjobs, which is also none of your goddamn business."
Jason: *sticks fingers in ears, runs towards door* "OH GOD NOOO!!! STOP TALKING!! JUST STOP TALKING!!"

It is at this moment that Jason realizes his mother has lost her friggin mind.
This was a talk that should've been had months ago, but you know how family gets...

Jason: "OK, I'm taking my fingers out of my ears now, please, just don't say anything, OK??"
Mom: *stands at the counter, staring at her son*
Jason: *removes fingers* "Alright, now I'm just gonna ask you a few questions, OK?"
Mom: *gives him the yeah whatever face*
Jason: "I need to know, how long this has been going on... can you tell me that?"
Mom: "I'm allowed to speak now?"
Jason: "In a limited capacity, yes. You may."
Mom: "What is it you'd like to know?"
Jason: "How long have you been using cocaine?"
Mom: "I'm sorry, can you remind me who the parent is here?"
Jason: "Mother, I'm only - "
Mom: "Only being the world's biggest douche, gaaah. Haven't I earned the right to let my hair down YET??"
Jason: "This isn't letting your hair down! This is a prequel to an ambulance ride!"
Mom: *looks out the window*
Jason: "A month?"
Mom: *silence*
Jason: "Three?"
Mom: *still nothing*
Jason: "Jeezus mom, SIX???"
Mom: "Maybe seven, I can't remember..."
Jason: "Seven months you've been a coke head. Can I even ask why?"

And now she actually starts crying.

Mom: *wipes tears*
Jason: "Was it the divorce?"
Mom: *quietly* "Yes..."
Jason: "God, mom... didn't you know you could talk to me? Or Cathy? Jeez, we're your children!"
Mom: *walks to the fridge, pulls out another bottle of bubbly*
Jason: "Hey is that really necessary?"
Mom: "What do you want from me?"
Jason: "Uh, well for starters I'd like you to stop trying to OD on everything in the house!"
Mom: *pours another glass* "It's not what you think..."
Jason: "What's not what I think?"
Mom: "Your father..."
Jason: "Meaning?"
Mom: "It's not because he left, it's because he took so goddamn long doing it!"
Jason: "Sooo, you wanted him to leave you?"
Mom: "Of course! He was such an insufferable man! Always with his precious time tables! Can't be late for this, can't be late for that! On time, shiny shoes, Mr. Fucking Kiss Ass!!"
Jason: "Shit..."
Mom: "Yeah shit! He should've been out that door fifteen fucking years ago!"
Jason: "I had no idea your problems went that far back."
Mom: "There's a LOT you don't know..."
Jason: "So what's next?"
Mom: "What do you mean, what's next?"
Jason: "Well you can't possibly keep this up, I mean your sixty!"
Mom: "Oh, don't I know it! With saggy boobs, a blown out vag and two grown kids that don't know 
their ass from a hole in the ground!! What else ya got, Dr. Phil??"
Jason: "Urgh, God, mom, please..."
Mom: "Why don't you just go? I'll be fine. Just go..."
Jason: "I don't feel good about leaving you here alone."
Mom: "What, like there aren't coke dealers and liquor stores out there?" *looks towards window*
Jason: "How's about I call aunt Heather?"
Mom: "What is she gonna do, knit me sweater and tell me I need Jesus??"
Jason: "She's your sister. She loves you. You can talk to her."
Mom: "Well, the only kind of talking I need to do is to this glass." *turns champagne up*


Helen Behringer has hit a wall. Coke-fueled boozery and man-anger have taken her to her limits.
Surely there's a win somewhere in there for her. She might just have to dig a little to find it.

[somethingelseishere]

Can't sleep.  : (



He was dazed, waking from what felt like a drugged state. Opening his eyes to an older gentleman
standing over him with a shotgun aimed directly at his face. A young boy stood behind him holding
a white ten-gallon bucket. He was naked lying on that cold floor. And he had no idea how he got there.

"Harley..." the old man said, nodding to the boy.

The youngster took the lid off that bucket and turned it up over the unsuspecting visitor.

Hitting him dead center on his chest was a five-foot long diamondback rattlesnake.

"Jesus Fuck!!" screamed the man with no clothes. 

He immediately grabbed the reptile just behind its head with one hand and at its mid-section 
with the other. It was plenty angry, hissin' and givin' that tail a good ol' shake.

"What the fuck are you doin??" he screeched.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" the old man replied.

He held onto that thing for dear life. In an upright sitting position now, he looked for a place
to get rid of his latest problem.

"Gimme something to put it in!!" he barked.

"Harley..." he called out again.

The boy held the bucket up for the frazzled naked man. He dropped the snake into it, scooting
away across the floor towards the cabinets. He was wild-eyed and wide-awake. But still completely
at a loss to what was going on.

The old man lunged forward putting that shotgun right up against his forehead. He knew this could
be it for him as he looked down the cold, black barrel of his future.


"One more time... what are you doing here?"

[somethingelseishere]

A little behind the scenes action. Dr. Rocco and his nephew, Anthony, are in the break room
at the TV station where he does his public access cable show. Let's see how this goes... lol


Rocco: "I swear to Christ I'll put arsenic in your fuckin' coffee!!"
Anthony: "Whoa, Uncle Rocky, you can't say dat! This is a workplace!"
Rocco: "I'm gonna rub salt in ya fuckin' eyes you keep takin' my motherfuckin' goddamn fuckin cannoli!!"


It seems someone at the TV station has a fondness for Dr. Rocco's favorite Italian dessert. 
And they keep "borrowing" them without his permission. Yikes!

Anthony: "Take it easy, I'll go down to DelNuncio's, get you a box."
Rocco: "Nah kid, it's OK... carbs are fuh shit anyhow..."


They both sit at a table and shoot the breeze.

Rocco: "What do ya thinka dat Charlize Theron?"
Anthony: "I dunno, like her acting?"
Rocco: "Yeah, just... that, and as a person."
Anthony: "Well, I don't know her. But she's pretty good in some movies I guess."
Rocco: "At'sa sexy broad, huh?"
Anthony: "Yeah, she's got the long stems. I'd do her."
Rocco: "Ooooh, listen ta you!"
Anthony: "It's like you said, she's a sexy broad..."
Rocco: "Yeah, but she's a total fuckin' whackadoo..."
Anthony: "How so?"
Rocco: "Ya know da thing about her kids?"
Anthony: "No, what did she do?"
Rocco: "That poor child she adopted from Africa. Parading him around in a fuckin dress!!"
Anthony: "Oh, madon..."
Rocco: "He's like what, seven years old?"
Anthony: "I dunno, I didn't know nuthin' about dis..."
Rocco: "Yeah, and that stupid bitch is raising him to be a little girl!!"
Anthony: "Psssss, I can't even, Uncle Rocky..."
Rocco: "Hey! It's one thing You got unresolved issues wit ya own fuckin' life, you don't go
ruining the lives of innocent children!! Fucking cunt."
Anthony: "So you feel strongly about this..."
Rocco: "Ya fuckin' right I do! Your mudda ever try that shit witchu, I'd drown her in the fuckin' sink!!"
Anthony: "Jeeesus, Uncle Rocky, what the fuck??"
Rocco: "Aaay, that kid turns eighteen, he can shake his ass down the fuckin' cat-walk, but until
then - Let the kid be a kid!! Don't fuck his life up because you need a science project!!"
Anthony: "Uncle Rock..."
Rocco: "Yeah, what?"
Anthony: "This conversation... it's gettin' a little uncomfortable..."
Rocco: "What? You think the rainbow police are gonna bust in here wit their fanook flag, pink fuzzy
handcuffs and arrest us?? THIS IS AMEEERRRICAAA!! Men have bled and given their lives to dis
country so I can sit here and say whatever the fuck I want!! Don't you eva forget dat!!!"


Anthony sits staring at his impassioned uncle. He really wants to go get him those cannoli.

Anthony: "So, you want I should go to da bakery?"
Rocco: "Yeeaah, ga head. *pulls out crisp hundo* Here, get yaself something too."

Anthony leaves his uncle in the break room. Rocco sits, thinking...

[somethingelseishere]

Once again, we find Dr. Rocco in the break room. About to lose his frickin' mind.

Rocco: "Who da fuck leaves spilled coffee all over the goddamn tables? Ya peg-legged whore mother
does NOT work here! Ya filthy fuckin' bastids!!"

He is paid another visit by his nephew, Anthony. This time, he brought a friend.

Anthony: "Hey Uncle Rocky."
Rocco: "Hey kid, how you doin?"
Anthony: "Yeah, good. Hey, dis is my friend Todd. Todd, dis my Uncle Rocky."
Todd: "Nice to meet you, sir." *reaches out to shake hands*
Rocco: "Aaay, nice to meet you too kid." *shakes his hand*
Todd: "I've never been to a TV station before."
Anthony: "Pretty sweet, huh?"
Rocco: "Uh, Todd? Could you excuse us a moment, I need to speak to my nephew."
Todd: "Sure, I'll wait outside."
Rocco: "Just down the hall, there's a scorchin' hot bitch doin the weather in about *looks at his watch*
Now! She should be on now! Go check her out, you'll like her!"
Todd: "I guess I could wander around a bit..."

Todd leaves the break room, closing the door behind himself. Rocco looks at his nephew with a very
concerned yet disappointed expression.

Rocco: "Are you fuckin' kidding me?"
Anthony: "Whaaat? What I do?"
Rocco: "Todd?? Are you serious??"
Anthony: "What's wrong with him?"
Rocco: "TODD????" *eyes wide*
Anthony: "Yeah, and??"
Rocco: "It's common knowledge that Todd is a serial killa name. How could you not know dis?"
Anthony: "Awww Jeez, uncle Rock, what do ya gotta say that for?"
Rocco: "Because it's true! Remember dat poor prick dey found in da east river the udda day?
Anthony: "What about him?"
Rocco: "Cocksucka dat killed him? Fuckin' name was Todd!"
Anthony: "That's just one guy!"
Rocco: "It's ALWAYS a Todd!!"
Anthony: "Not for nuthin, but this guy's a fuckin' saint! He's the youth pastor at his church!"
Rocco: "Don't mean nuthin!"
Anthony: "He's in a long-term relationship with his fiance. They're gettin' married next year!"
Rocco: "They all need a good beard."
Anthony: "He heads up the softball program every year at the church summer camp!"
Rocco: "I'm tellin' ya! This fuck is one broken zipper away from losin' his shit!"
Anthony: "Aww come on!!"
Rocco: "And then, look out America! He's comin' for ya daughters! Stuff 'em into his trunk
and drive around listening to Night Ranger!"
Anthony: "Where do you get this stuff?"
Rocco: "Distance yaself, Ant'ny. He's gonna fuck up sooner or later, and you don't wanna go down
in that kinda shit. It's bad!"

Todd walks by the break room door. Looking in, he smiles and waves while holding up an ice cream cone.

Rocco: "Dis Mr. Rogers fuck is bad news. You can't say you haven't been told."


Anthony now has a lot to think about. Poor Anthony...

[somethingelseishere]

Today we have a special episode of Dr. Rocco's Sex Help Show. It's not about sex.

Surviving The Holidays with Dr. Rocco

*theme music - Alvin & The Chipmunks Jingle Bell Rock*


Hooooo, what d'ya know, what d'ya say! It's Dr. Rocco comin' at ya's wit a special edition 
of "How To Survive Da Holidays"... *theme music fades, soft piano music swells*


This time uh year can be stressful for everybody. You got travel, lots of cookin', more than likely
a few family membas you'd like to throw into a wood chippa... *whispers off-camera*

Aaay, who's fuckin' show is dis?? *more whispers* Fuckin' right, now shut ya mouth!

Where was I? Oh yeah, it's not always easy to congregate and be loving when dat one uncle
feels it's OK to take his dentures out at the table. And you can't stab him in the eye with ya
shrimp fork cuz he's only got the one after losing the other in the war. 

So to that one special family memba I say "Keep ya fuckin' teeth in ya mouth, Uncle Nuno!! 
Nobody needs to see dat!! We're tryin ta eat heeuh!!"

And who could forget ya cousin. Yeah, I'm talkin' about you, Sal. On that fuckin' Atkins
diet and you're driving everybody crazy wid it! Don't think I can't see you out in the driveway
sitting in the back seat of Aunt Beppy's Lincoln towncar! Eatin' all the tripe out of the tripe & tomatoes!

Lickin' ya fingas and goin' back in!! You're a dirty fuck Sal! The WHOLE FUCKIN' TRAY???

And we're not leaving you out Tristina. No, every year my niece comes to the table wit a new boyfriend
and a disgusting necklace of hickies on show for all to see. Maybe it wouldn't look so bad if ya's
didn't have the dark circles unda ya eyes. Fuck you doin? Get some sleep already! You on dope?
You need help? Cuz ya lookin' like dry shit under a heat lamp! Get ahold uh yaself! 

Oh, and do I even need to mention... leave politics at the fuckin' door! Nobody cares who you think
can run dis country any betta than a wounded calf on a farm to market road in the middle of Shitsville, USA.
Nobody cares who you voted for, like THAT even works, nobody cares how much money you raised 
for whatever campaign, so just forget about all dat and do what everybody else is here to do:

Stuff ya goddamn face with Nona's chicken cacciatore, pound the buca's and cheer on the fuckin'
New York Football Giants! Uddawise, you're just askin' for trouble and the holidays don't need any
uh dat! 

So I hope this has been helpful to all you's out dare. Stay safe, stay drunk and keep ya fuckin' mouth shut!

Ooooooooooh!!!

*theme music swells for playout - Chuck Berry's Run, Run Rudolph*

[somethingelseishere]

It was true; the desert got cold at night. 

The 1967 Camaro idled with a strong purr while Carson walked to the trunk. Muffled yelling and
the sounds of kicking grew louder. Agitation. It hit every person different. He opened the hatch, looking
into the dark hiding place that was a temporary home for this "outstanding issue"...

He leaned in and removed the gag from his passenger. The still-bound man gasped for air while
trying to move himself away from his captor. Carson knew there was no other way.

"If you're gonna kill me, then just fucking do it already!" said the worn out trunk inhabiter.

"I'm gonna let you choose how this goes." Carson said to his guest.

The man kept steady eye contact as he pulled himself closer to the opening.

"Road's about ten miles that way. El Paso is a few more beyond that. Sound fair?"

The trunk rider raises himself to a sitting position as he thinks it over.

"Ain't like I gotta say in this..."

"Sure ya do. You could walk out of here and keep on living your life any way you see fit."

"Or?"

"Or... I could feed you to the coyotes. Right here. Right now."

The man knows his only play is to walk away from this without bitterness, OR half the money 
in that over-stuffed duffle bag that was once his. Decisions, decisions...

"Help me outta here..." he said as Carson grabbed him by the left arm, tugging upward.

"You gonna cut these?" he asked referring to his wrist and ankle rope bindings.

Carson obliged. He then reached into his pocket and handed the man a small wad of cash.

"You got three hours before sunrise. Make 'em count." Carson said closing the trunk and walking
to the drivers door of that rumbling muscle car.

The man took a few steps, settling in to his new limp when he turned and looked his ex-friend 
in the eye.

"Almost forgot" Carson said pulling his .38 and sending a round into the man's knee.


"Now, we're even..."

[somethingelseishere]

Angelo Bellucci sat in that oversized lobby, with its extra high ceilings, waiting to be
seen by a long time associate on the tenth floor. He was dressed in business attire and
looked every bit the image of an honest working man. If only people knew...

"He will see you now" said the young, pretty receptionist. 

Angelo smiled and nodded. "Thank you" he said making his way up the long, winding staircase.

Normally, Ange was an elevator guy, but this trip was special. So he put in the extra work.

The secretary waved him through and he opened the door to start this most eventful meeting.

"Angie!" said the keenly dressed, well-groomed older man standing behind the large desk.

"This place looks bigger every time I come here!" Angelo said as he gave the office a good once over.

The older man, Carmine Ruffino, owned a well-established construction company and took pride 
in having the biggest office in the building. The view over the city was nothing short of photographic
bliss. He walked over to greet his sometimes-business partner. 

He gives Angelo a bear hug and pats him three times on the back. "Still strong as a bull I see!"

"I think it's the cardio!" Angelo said with a huge smile.

"Come on, sit down, let's talk." said Carmine.

The older man returns to his big leather office chair and Angelo sits in front of his desk on a slightly
lesser than but by no means flimsy seat. They share a brief uncomfortable silence.

"What's in the bag?" asked Carmine.

"Well, that's why I'm here." Angelo returned.

He reached down grabbing the fancy suede bowling bag and placed it on the man's desk.

"I love gifts!" 

"Maybe you should look inside before sayin' that..." Angelo suggested.

The grey-haired gent stood, unzipped the bag and viewed its contents. His face blanked.
He stood for several seconds without saying a word, staring down into that bowling bag.

"Ya know, you don't look like a man ready to die." Carmine said calmly.

"It was a very tough position you put me in. This wasn't done without a lot of thought." 

In the bag was the severed head of Carmine's consigliere; Adolpho Jilani. 

"If you think you're just walking out of here, you're out of your fucking mind!" said the now angry Carmine.

"This is no time for hurt feelings. It's not personal. Just business." Angelo explained.

Carmine ripped his top drawer open and before Angelo could blink the older man had a gun, complete
with silencer, aimed right at him. His face of course. Why bother with body shots when you gotta get
it done right the first time?

"I'd hold that thought..." Angelo said with confidence.

"I could have every trace of your DNA scrubbed from this entire building in six hours. Why shouldn't I
paint my carpet with your fuckin' brains?"

Angelo looked at his watch. "Might wanna check your email."

The older man now visibly incensed. "You think this is a fucking game??"

"Can't say I didn't tell ya..." 

The man stood, his hand shaking as he held that gun on Ange. He could taste it. Sinking three or four
slugs into Angie's head would feel so good right now. And he nearly did it, but he had to make sure
he didn't fall into any other traps. He sat down, gun still trained on his one-time friend, to check that email.

There was a video file in his inbox. He looked up at Angelo.

"Open it."

Carmine downloaded the file. It was a cell phone video taken in what looked like a dark warehouse
lit by spotlights. On the zoom in, he could see three headless bodies tied to folding metal chairs.

"So you took out my whole top tier. Why are you doing this?"

"Keep watchin'..." Angelo said with no emotion.

Carmine continued the video. He now saw his wife and two daughters blind-folded and tied to 
the chairs of their dining room table. They were all sniffling and obviously scared. Carmine slams
his fist down onto the desk and jumps from his seat putting that gun once again in Angelo's face.

"How many more bags am I gonna have to fill today Carmine?"

Tears now welling up in the older man's eyes. "I will skin you alive, you motherless fuck!!"

Angelo stands from his chair and walks towards the door, stopping and turning around to face his new subordinate.

"The previous arrangement we had? It's dead. You answer to me, from now on. OK?" 


Carmine stood trembling, boiling in rage as Angelo walked free from that fine corner office.

[somethingelseishere]

Man, I HAD to be a dago in a past life!! lol

[somethingelseishere]

Dr. Rocco is back in the break room, trying to make sense of the world when his favorite nephew
comes to pay him a little visit.

Anthony: "Hey Uncle Rocky..."
Rocco: "There he is! Jailbird Supreme! How you doin' kid?"
Anthony: "Ma told me everything so I wanted to come down here and thank you."
Rocco: "Aaah, don't worry about it, least I could do for my favorite neph!"
Anthony: "They said next time the charges wouldn't be dropped."
Rocco: "Well fuck them! There won't be no next time!"

Anthony got into a bit of a scrape at a local eatery. It all went sideways and he got arrested.
But good ol' Uncle Rocky knew a cop who knew a detective who had a favor coming, ya know, 
one of those type affairs. So the kid got bounced with a clean record.

Rocco: "So what exactly happened?"
Anthony: "I was ordering my food and - "
Rocco: "Fat & Greasy's?"
Anthony: "Of course, where else?"
Rocco: "They got good burgers!"
Anthony: "The BEST!"
Rocco: "OK, go on..."
Anthony: "Yeah, so I'm looking at the menu board and I guess he thought I was takin' too long
so he got a lil' choppy wit me."
Rocco: "Oh yeah, what he do?"
Anthony: "He started breathin' all heavy, like he was tired or somethin' so I asked him if he was asthmatic 
and he got nasty..."
Rocco: "What he say?"
Anthony: "Called me a guinea wop, told me to hurry da fuck up!"
Rocco: "Ooooooooh, totally uncalled for!! What did you do?"
Anthony: "I grabbed the prick by the shirt and pulled his sorry ass over the counter. What was I supposed 
to do? Let him disrespect me like that?"
Rocco: "Fuck No! You did the right thing! In fact, you showed great restraint. Shoulda put one in his
foot, made him dance around a little!"
Anthony: "Uh, I don't carry a gun Uncle Rocky..."
Rocco: *laughs* "That's a good one, you're funny."
Anthony: "No, I mean it. I don't even own one."
Rocco: "You serious??"
Anthony: "Yeah... they scare me."
Rocco: "Holy mother uh God, my own nephew... scared of firearms!"
Anthony: "I dunno, they're just so... permanent. One pull and lives change! Usually for the worse."
Rocco: "Kid, look... You're an AMERICAN! It's your birthright! It shall NOT be infringed!!"
Anthony: "I know, I get it. I support the Second. Still, guns just don't sit well wit me."
Rocco: *looks around to make sure they're alone, opens blazer wide*
Anthony: "Jesus Christ! Why you got all those??"
Rocco: "Because your great-grandfahda landed at Ellis Island so his children and their children
would have a betta life than he did!"

Dr. Rocco shows Anthony the four guns he has inside his jacket. Then he lifts up his pants legs
to let him see the two ankle holsters he keeps filled at all times.

Anthony: "Madon, you gettin ready for the Apocalypse?"
Rocco: "Aay, when the hammer drops on me, I'm makin' sure I got every chance of walkin' away 
from it, in one fuckin' piece! You should do the same!"
Anthony: "You always carry that heavy?"
Rocco: "Fuckin right! Every goddamn day. Cuz ya never know..."

Anthony doesn't know what to make of this. He knew his uncle was "different" but, this just kind
of asked more questions than it answered.

Anthony: "So it's true?"
Rocco: "Is what true?"
Anthony: "That you're in the ma - "
Rocco: "Don't ever say that word again! There's no such thing! They did away wit all dat years ago!"
Anthony: "They just busted three of ya friends last week for some credit card thing though..."
Rocco: "I don't know nuthin about that! You make bad decisions in this life, you pay the price."
Anthony: "I guess so..."
Rocco: "How 'bout it, I take ya to da range and we sink some lead into those paper bad guys??"
Anthony: "Do we have ta?"
Rocco: "No we don't have ta, but don't ya want to? Get ya feet wet in a controlled environment."
Anthony: "We stop at Fat & Greasy's after?"
Rocco: "Sure! I wanna see that cocksucka's face when I put one of these to his head!!" *shakes gun in air*


They both laugh and walk out of the break room.

[somethingelseishere]

Oh madon! Dr. Rocco takes us on a journey - conspiring to "do da right ting"... God bless you, Dr. Rocco!

*theme music - Harry Chapin's Cat's In The Cradle*

Oooooh, there he is! What d'ya know, what d'ya say! It's anudda installment of Dr. Rocco's Sex Help Show!
Tuhday, we got a question from Gregory Maldone concerning... *looks at note card* starting a family!

So let's get into dis!

Dear Dr. Rocco,

Me and my wife are tryin ta have a baby, but we can't seem to get the recipe just right.
We don't wanna do dat IVF ting, so what would you recommend? Also, Go Jets!!
Signed, The Not So Trojan Horse [Gregory Maldone]

Thank you for your question Gregory. Let me start by sayin' your Jets ain't had a team since the 70's!
Wake up and smell that empty coffee pot, ya poor bastid. It's the Giants or go fuck ya mudda!

Now, onto the bigger issue... Conceiving is a problem among many married couples these days.
I'm no doctah *looks hatefully to control room* but I know dis, if it's meant for you to pump out
a little one, then it'll happen. If not, thank ya lucky fuckin' stars! Kids can be a real headache!

*whispers from off-camera*

Oh, you think I'm gonna lie to dis poor prick? Eat a bagga hamster shit! Yeah, YOU Janice! I'm talkin' tuh YOU!

Greg, worse case scenario: You get a dog. Maybe a cat too, give the dog something to do.
Is it really da best idea to bring a child into the world we live in anymore?

Look around, shit has gone WAY down da tubes! Did you know there's nearly a million children that
go missing every year?? 800,000... How da fuck does that even happen anymore, with technology
and hovering parents? Not to mention most of them are never seen or heard from again! You want 
that life?? And it's no mistake! These poor children are being preyed upon! That's right! I said it!

Our world is run by some sick fucks Gregory. I hate to bust your rose-colored bubble but it's true!
High-ranking government officials, upper tiers of the military and law enforcement, it's all been
infiltrated! Aaay! I back da Blue!! 100% - but if you think there's no child-abusing fucks walking 
those halls at the FBI building, you're fuckin' lying to yaself!!

- OFF THE AIR SCREEN - WE'LL BE BACK SOON! - 

[45 seconds later]

*screaming at control room*

Aaay! I'm not gonna tone it down! Fuck you! People need to know the truth and I ain't gonna be
part of the problem! Yeah I'm lookin' at you Larry! Ya pedophile-protectin' piece of shit! Nobody
wears glasses that thick unless they're hiding somethin', ya Bill Gates lookin' fuck!! Don't act indignant
Janice! I saw you blowing that cocksucka in his ragged-out Volvo in the parkin' lot last week! You disgusting who-uh!!

- OFF THE AIR SCREEN - WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK -

Well, that's gonna do it for Dr. Rocco's Sex Help Show tuhday folks. Seems like line-toeing is more
of a ting around heeuh dan I thought! *looks off-camera* Fuck all you's low-life pricks! I squirt far
better shit out my dick-hole into urinals!! Ya skeevy bastids!!


*no theme music play-off*

[somethingelseishere]

Useless side-trivia: My New Jersey accent is improving by leaps and fuckin' bounds, ooooh!! lol

[somethingelseishere]

- An Important Message From Dr. Rocco - 

Hey everybody, coming ta you tuhday wit a little bad news. I mean, there's good news too but
we'll jump right in on the sadder end of it first.

As you may know, recent events have taken a bit of a turn and I've been informed, in no uncertain
terms, that I am NEVER to set foot on the TV station property ever again. Something about a restraining
order and damage to property. I don't know why they got all up themselves, I bought Larry a new
fuckin' pair of glasses! And just so ya's know, those thick-ass lenses ain't cheap! They're also a lot
harder to break than you would think...

*rolls footage of Rocco stomping Larry's glasses on that fateful day*

So, yeah, the Dr. Rocco Sex Help Show is no more... but we got something even betta for ya!!

You wanna tell 'em Ant'ny?

No, that's OK, you go ahead...

Eeh, he's a shy kid. Starting next week, we're joining the millions of cocksuckas all over the internet
in Podcastville!! That's right fucko's, we're comin' at ya with ALL NEW material and covering everything
unda da fuckin' sun! It ain't just about sex anymore!!

We'll be talkin' about whatever da fuck YOU bastids write or call in wit!!

Rocco's Ask Me Anything Podcast!! Or somethin' like that. It's a workin' title.

So join us and be a part of the Family!! Ooooh!!


And before I forget, a shoutout to da TV station.

LICK MY BALLS, YOU BUNCHA COCKFACE LOSERS! Nobody needs ya fuckin' cable access shit!


Me, Ant'ny and all you fucks! LET'S DO DIS!!!!!! 

*outro music - AC/DC's Thunderstruck*

[somethingelseishere]

Rocco is assembling his mighty crew...

He goes to see Carlo at the news stand.


Rocco: "Aaay, how you doin' Carlo?"
Carlo: "Hey Rock, what's shakin?"
Rocco: "Eh, ya know, same old."
Carlo: "You want somethin?"
Rocco: "I got a proposition."
Carlo: "OK..."
Rocco: "Rememba dat lil' talk we had while back? Bout me doin' somethin' nice fuh you?"
Carlo: "Yeah, I rememba..."
Rocco: "Well, I've given it some thought and I want to hire you to be my numba two!"
Carlo: "I don't undastand..."
Rocco: "You know what happened with my cable access show, right?"
Carlo: "Oh yeah, I heard. Sorry."
Rocco: "Don't be. They were just holding me back."
Carlo: "Said you couldn't be within 100 yards or you'd be arr - "
Rocco: "Yeah yeah, no need to relive the past!"
Carlo: *shrugs*
Rocco: "I'm gonna be doin this new podcast thing and I need a permanent sit-in guest."
Carlo: "You mean a sidekick..."
Rocco: "Noooo, not like that! Somebody important, smart, knows a thing or tree.."
Carlo: "So I'd be your Artie?"
Rocco: "Be my what?"
Carlo: "Ya Artie. Artie Lange. From the Howard Stern Show."
Rocco: "Ooooh, come on now, we both know you're no Artie Lange!"
Carlo: "Den why ya askin me?"
Rocco: "I didn't mean it like dat!"
Carlo: "Well how'd ya mean it?"
Rocco: "Look, you're a smart guy. You're funny. I could use you to be a buffer between me and my nephew."
Carlo: "He's doin' it too?"
Rocco: "Yeah, he's my engineer."
Carlo: "You mean he's ya Jamie."
Rocco: "Where da FUCK do you get deez names?"
Carlo: "Jamie. Young Jamie from the Joe Rogan thing. He runs the computer an' shit."
Rocco: "Yeah, whatever. But it'll play a lot betta if it's more than just me and him."
Carlo: "How is Ant'ny?"
Rocco: "He's good, he'll be glad you asked. He always liked you Carlo."
Carlo: "So, what does this ting pay?"
Rocco: "Well, I was thinkin' 25% of what you pull down here?"
Carlo: "25%?? Dat's rape Rocco!!"
Rocco: "Da fuck it is! At'sa good, solid round numba!"
Carlo: "I dunno, I don't think I can do dat."
Rocco: "You still get ya pension right?"
Carlo: "Yeah, from the army."
Rocco: "Well, there ya go. Supplemental income."
Carlo: "But 25%?? Rocco, I ain't tryin' to soak you but Jeezus, that's a low-ball numba."
Rocco: *thinks* ... Alright! Maaaybe, I can jump it up to 30. MAYBE!?"
Carlo: "I was thinkin more like 50."
Rocco: "You normally dis drunk so early in the day?"
Carlo: "You know I don't drink anymore. The diabetes."
Rocco: *thinks of an angle* "How's ya leg?"
Carlo: "Why you hafta go there?"
Rocco: "Whaaat? I'm just askin'!"
Carlo: "Sounds like a threat to me. And I thought you changed?"
Rocco: "Nobody's makin' any threats! Sweet Mary on the roof. Come on Carlo, work wit me here!"

Carlo sits down and looks around his beloved news stand. Could he put this behind him?
He had a lotta good years there. Met a lotta nice people from the neighborhood. If this was
his way forward, it wouldn't be easy.

Carlo: *tears rolling down*
Rocco: "Aww, Jeezus Carlo, over a news stand??"
Carlo: "You don't know what it's like. You never had a straight job."
Rocco: "Fuck you talkin' about?? That summa we both worked at the waterslide park!"
Carlo: "We was seventeen. That wasn't a real job..."
Rocco: *looks at his friend* "Come on, wipe ya face."
Carlo: *blots the tears away*
Rocco: "Look, I dunno how this thing is gonna work. But I promise I'll take care of you, you got my word."

Carlo gets his composure and looks up at his friend with a tiny smile.

Carlo: "So, I'll be ya Artie?"
Rocco: *takes a moment* "Yeah Carlo, you'll be my Artie..."


Carlo stands up and reaches out to shake Rocco's hand. The team is coming together!

[somethingelseishere]

I'm hearing and reading Carlo's voice as Bobby from The Sopranos. [Tony's brother-in-law]

Don't know why, lol, but I have been. Can't really nail down what they look like yet.
No blueprints or anything. They'll come to me eventually.


Aay, how YOU doin'??

rofl

[somethingelseishere]

There would never be forgiveness for what she'd done. So running was her only hope to stay 
alive. Sitting in that fog-drenched alley was comforting. She felt safe, hidden. It was only a few 
minutes past three in the small hours but her faculties were sharp. Part of that was the crank but 
most of it was a different kind of rush.

Zara put it into gear and pressed down on the gas, guiding the '69 Mustang out onto the side street.
Both her jeans and dark brown leather jacket were ripped in various places that spoke of a struggle.
She looks up into the rearview to verify the blood running from her nose. One black eye. A busted
lip. More blood on her cheek, but it's dried. Her night had been full. It was time to get as far from
there as she could on the quarter tank of gas she had left. She checked her pockets. Fifty-two and
change. Forty for gas, the rest for incidentals. Whatever it took to put as many miles between her 
and Little Rock as possible. She could sleep once daylight brought her to Wichita Falls. Until then,
white line fever. 

The roads were always dead at this time of morning. She liked it. In fact, she preferred it. People weren't
high on her list of acceptable company. Her best friend was freedom. And if you stood between her and
that special mate, you'd see the wrong side of her personality. Her youthful appearance and pixie haircut
whispered cute and innocent - but that's the last thing she was! Twenty-seven years walking this Earth
taught her a few things. One of which was to never trust anyone. If you had a pulse, you were her enemy.

Only a few more blocks to the highway. The amphetamines were pumping, she was grinding her teeth
and stomping her left foot hard and fast but there was no music on. Then, her life changed. Blue and red
flashing in her rearview brought her dreams of getting out crashing down. Not enough gas to try and run.

Life will always bring you the inevitable. Whether that's good or bad all depends on you. Water the flowers,
not the weeds. She pulled over and killed the engine. Slowly, she reached over into the passenger seat and
carefully brought that .357 into her lap. 


She knew she would never be able to explain that body in the trunk.

[somethingelseishere]

He sat propped up against the grimy brick wall; a dark blue dumpster on his right and his
lost future walking out of that alleyway on his left. Eight bottles of Thunderbird a day had
finally taken their toll. He wasn't even drunk and the whole world was spinning. Leaning forward
on his hands and knees, Koala Jesus puked his guts up and cried for his sins. It was time for
him to either get up and live or just lay down in that pool of lukewarm vomit and die.

That brick wall felt like a down comforter after emptying his stomach. He wasn't sure if he could
walk or not but as soon as he was able he knew exactly where to go. 

Three weak knocks on the door. Several seconds lapse before footsteps can be heard. When the door
opens, a familiar face. It's been too long.

"Goddamn, you look like dogshit. And I mean that in the nicest possible way."

"I need your help. I need it bad." Koala said before breaking down in tears.

"Get the fuck in here..."

Koala Jesus was a life-long bridge-burner. Every last friend. Family members didn't count, they had
no choice but to love him, even if only from a distance. But in all of his havoc and distasteful debauchery 
he managed to keep a very tenuous hold on the one friendship that mattered: Pauly Penguin.

"Just keep walking to the bathroom, peel off and get right in the shower!" Pauly said.

Koala did as his friend instructed. He couldn't remember the last time he felt clean, warm water
cascading down his disgustingly filthy body. This would be nice. Even if he did throw up. Four times.

Pauly Penguin went way back with Koala. They seen it all. Up, down, good, bad, drunk tank choirs
and empty train car rides from Fresno to Nashville. It was always a joy to see his friend but there was
something terribly wrong with him this time and Pauly didn't know if he could bring him back.

Koala staggers into the living room after a nice long cleaning to be met with a steaming hot
cup of black coffee. Pauly hands it to him and they both sit at the table.

"How many days ya got?" asked Pauly.

"Days of what?"

"Sober. How many?"

Koala didn't want to lie, but in all truth he couldn't even remember. Was it just today? Two days?
Cheap wine had that effect. Everything just blurred into an orangey-brown haze and left you with
nothing but a dry mouth and years of regret.

"The longer you take, the less I'm gonna believe you!"

"I don't fucking know!" Koala shot with frustration.

Pauly could always tell when his friend was being truthful. It was one of the perks of knowing him 
for so many years. And not only that, he loved the prick. Concessions would need to be made.

"We'll just count from tomorrow, what do ya say?" Pauly offered.

Koala took a sip from his cup. "Yeah, sounds good."


They talked for another hour before Pauly went to bed. Koala sat up a little while after that to gather
his thoughts. He also couldn't remember the last time he slept indoors. This was all so strange.
He curled up on that soft, warm couch and in mere minutes gave up the ghost. 


Morning was gonna hurt.

[somethingelseishere]

"You see da look on his face? Shit's got me worried!" 

Tomasino "Tommy Two Shots" Delfini wasn't a guy you wanted to have upset.

He was lead capo of the Gabbana crime family and next in line to wear the crown.
Standing a modest five-feet and nine inches, his two-hundred ten pound frame gave him
the look of a heavyweight boxer in their prime. And he was no slouch with his fists.

"You want me to talk to him?" asked Shorty.

Tommy had to think. He knew this was a "me & him" type conversation. He couldn't trust
anybody else to feel it out. There could be no margin of error. He had to see his face, look
into his eyes. After all, he owed him that much. If he was gonna pop his own cousin then
there had to be absolutely no doubt in his mind.

If Sally flipped, Tommy would know. And it would break his heart. But business was business.



The clock ticked for Sally boy.

[somethingelseishere]

"You alive?" 

"If I say no?" his friend replied.

"Guess I'd have to take your word for it..."

The two friends lay at the bottom of a lightly snow-covered ravine. Only moments before
hiking along what they thought was an adequately secure edge. That fifty-foot drop informed
them otherwise.

"Leg's fucked" said John.

"How fucked?" asked Kevin.

"I can see bone."

Kevin knew they weren't walking out of this. His own right leg broken, this could very well be where
it ended for them. He checked for his gun. Empty holster. That hike through the Amazon suddenly didn't 
sound so bad. But that wasn't the vacation he chose. The Canadian Yukon just seemed to call for him. 
He really wished he hadn't listened.

"You still got your piece?" Kevin asked his friend.

"No, but I can see it."

That fall tossed them both like dirty laundry. It took Kevin's peace-keeper and sent John's flying
a good twenty feet away, landing just beyond what he felt he could crawl to at present.

"Let me catch my breath... see if I can get over to it" said the lesser injured friend.

Movement. Thank God! Someone was nearing this horrific scene. Those footsteps sounded
like the trumpets of angels. They wouldn't die in that ravine after all. Or would they?

"Kevin??" 

John was more than a little unsettled by who had just rounded the corner. 

"Aren't they supposed to be hibernating??"

Ten yards away, on all fours, roughly a thousand pounds of grizzly bear. Getting choked out or 
swallowed by an anaconda didn't sound like such a bad deal now. The chase was afoot.

"It's been real man!" Kevin said.

"That it has." John returned.

"See you on the other side!"

Kevin began crawling manically towards John's thrown firearm and the bear joined in.



They met somewhere in the middle. No gun shots rang out in that valley.

[somethingelseishere]

Life Lesson for the day: STAY DA FUCK OUTTA BEAR COUNTRY!!