Actual Thoughts I've Had, Verbatim...

[somethingelseishere]

I just had a humbling reminder of the power of raw garlic. Damn, it was real.

[somethingelseishere]

Two cloves smashed through a garlic press. Roughly two TBSP's of salsa. The dip, not the dance.
I imagine it went a little something like this...

Me: "That time of year again, get my raw garlic fix!" *thinkin' happy thoughts*
Garlic: "Get a load of this prick. We are gonna FUCK his mouth and throat HAAAARRRRRD!!"
Me: [2 minutes in] "Mmm, this is starting to kinda sting..."
Me: [3 minutes in] "What the fuck is wrong with me??? Why?? God, WHY??"
Garlic: "Take it! Take it you fuck!!"
Me: [7 minutes in] *drinks water, catches breath* "Goddamn, that shit wadn't fuckin' around!"
Garlic: "Say my name bitch!"

: /

[Guest]

Lately i bin habin gay thought about the my pillow guy

[Guest]

Ted cruz reminds me of a combination of a pretty good used car salesman and that dude who ran the church of satan

[somethingelseishere]

So you know when you're running water in the sink, brushing your teeth or cleaning invisible 
hamster toys, and it bubbles up and the bubbles look like little grey alien heads? Just me??


Gaaahdamnit.

[somethingelseishere]

YT commenter: "Dumbass."
Me: "I'm gonna rub a whole jar of mayo into your hair and then blow-dry it!"
YTC: "I don't have any hair."
Me: "Your mom's then."
YTC: "Monster."
Me: "Hollaaaaa."

I am going to manifest this interaction TO-NIGHT!!!

Not exactly sure how I'm gonna pull it off, I'm usually pretty nice to people on there.
Soooo we're lookin' at a pretty major dick-move in my immediate future.

Fingers crossed guys!

[somethingelseishere]

And of course, I WILL screencap the entire procession of comments. *professional*

[somethingelseishere]

OK... Full Disclosure time...

I actually never had any intention of following through with any of that ^^ up there.

"Then why'd you say it?"

Aww God, not you again...

"Yeah, ME again..."

I'm not even gonna... not. even.

So, I just kinda thought it sounded funny and that MAYBEEE IF it fell into my lap, then sure, I'd go
ahead and entertain but... meeeh, things. AND I had a little sidebar with myself...

Me: "Yeah, that's totally not a good idea. Provoking internet strangers into silly non-arguments."
Slightly Better Me: "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
Me: "Aargh, shit, man... I dunno. It's just all kinda goin' to Hell."
SBM: "You're damn right it is! Get a fucking grip already!"
Me: "It sounded Hellified funny in my head though..."
SBM: "And that's where it should've stayed! You're a moron!"
Me: "Uuh, uncalled for? But OK!?" *quizzed look on face*
SBM: "Reeeally startin' to wonder about you man..."
Me: "What's to wonder? I'm right as the mail!"
SBM: *side-squint*
Me: *shrugs*
SBM: "Fuck this. I'm out."
Me: "Have a goodun, see ya never..."
SBM: *holds both middle fingers in the air as he exits*

So yeah, that went about as expected...  : /

[Guest]

I wondwe if mo is a cool girl that you can just driva round town with and even if you gotta borrow hee big gulp cup to peepee in you can do that right as she drives and its no big deal
Somtimes i wondee if me and her can go on a date like tgat and go get taco bell and then look for random homeless men to hand iut licker for christmas

[somethingelseishere]

I hear MO gets a mighty fine discount at The Bell. Rumor I'm sure...

"Get Dita'd at The Bell!!"  ; )

[somethingelseishere]

I don't know if it's Showtime or Netflix dragging their ass but SOMEBODY needs to get their bullshit
sifted and bring season eight of Homeland the fuck on! My thumbs can only twiddle for so long!

Eight pissin' months and you fuckers can't slide some episodes up onto a gotdamn server? Disgusting.

[Guest]

I peeked in mos bathroom window today as I was outside doing charity work in her hood , she was doing naughty stuff

[Mister Obvious]

It's funny you say that, Guest, because less than an hour ago, I took 4 separate shits in the space of 5 minutes... back to back.

I flushed the toilet every time too. Like every time I thought I was done, but then it just kept on being necessary to shit more.

And it wasn't even diarrhea, although I was sure by the end it was gonna be... nope.

[Mister Obvious]

I feel GREAT now though, not gonna lie.

[somethingelseishere]

OK, thanks to these gross feelings I have and a little bit of Google flexing, I've come
to some rather dire conclusions:

I think I'm Non-Celiac Gluten Sensitive. 

You know what this means for all that goddamn pasta I bought at the front end of this fuckin' 
Kung Flu virus kybosh?? I don't either, but bartering for daily scalp massages is creepin' up on 
that list. I'm not exactly sure I feel too comfortable with someone touching me who has to barter
for Fusili. Makes me feel dirty and calls a lot of things into question.

But this IS a wake-up call. 
No snooze button on this move baby. Looks like rice is my bottom bitch again. *le sigh*

[somethingelseishere]

You know when you stay up late and your faculties get scattered? You then set out to crash and
there's that invisible sign above your bed flashing in neon pink "Here Be Monsters!" and you're 
like "Nice try Lovecraft, ya freaky dead bastard!" He's trying to hoodwink us out of a good night's
sleep from the other side, like a ghoulish boss. Meanwhile we're like:



Monsters. Yeah, I thought the same damn thing.

[ELFUNGUSMAXIMUS]

It's funny you say that, Guest, because less than an hour ago, I took 4 separate shits in the space of 5 minutes... back to back.

I flushed the toilet every time too. Like every time I thought I was done, but then it just kept on being necessary to shit more.

And it wasn't even diarrhea, although I was sure by the end it was gonna be... nope.

Psyllium Husk powder 2 teaspoons once a day will shit proper and it has none of the nastiness like metamucil garbage.
We take the husks off our seeds to make them more palatable yet remove the best source of fiber.
The Indians have the monopoly on Psyllium Husks as they waste nothing.
Or you could use LSA mix.

[Guest]

look man Biden made a poopoo

[Mister Obvious]

Psyllium Husk powder 2 teaspoons once a day will shit proper and it has none of the nastiness like metamucil garbage.
We take the husks off our seeds to make them more palatable yet remove the best source of fiber.
The Indians have the monopoly on Psyllium Husks as they waste nothing.
Or you could use LSA mix.

Fung you're preachin' to the damn choir bro...

https://www.sectual.com/thread-17464-pos...#pid131034

I just had the PERFECT shit...

The kind you didn't even know came out.

I was just sittin' there like "WTF is going on?" and then I look down and I'm like DAMN!

That's the perfect shit right there.

It's not technically a ghost shit because ghost shits are where you cut that loaf of brown and there's NOTHING on the toilet paper.

But if I wanted to really iron out the terminologies, I'd reclassify the above described shit as a "phantom shit" and the shit I had today as a "ghost shit."

[somethingelseishere]

Speaking of Christmas gifts...

It would be HILARIOUS to give someone a twin-box of toothpaste. Except both tubes would be squeezed 
empty. Label that present "gift 1". Then have "gift 2" be a Ziploc bag of the squeezed-out toothpaste!

When they open it to see the plastic bag of Colgate you can say "Merry Christmas bitch!"